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I hate to admit that I have thought of giving up on life many times.  It seems like a direct dichotomy with my earlier posts which I talk of my faith in God and why I am still alive.  I am not ashamed of my human weakness, after all Jesus was human and according to scripture he did not want to die.  Therefore, unlike many Christians, I am truthful in regards to my human weakness.   Christmas Eve, 2010, I felt like taking all of my xanax and going to asleep.   I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  It is a complex emotional disorder.   The difficulty is in my case, I seem high functioning, in reality I don’t feel that I function well at all.   My problems started when I accepted an early retirement to avoid further discrimination.  The years of discrimination and humiliation at the hands of my former employers has taken a tremendous toil of my psyche, emotional, and mental health.   Overall, with the help of my therapist, family support, and my faith I have being making good progress.   Those of us that suffer from this disease really are unable to fully recover.  We relive the trauma over and over again. We are susceptible to flashback and triggers associated with the original trauma  which in my case causes me to experience feelings of despair, depression, and hopelessness.  My former supervisors seem determined to punish me for seeking compensation for my injury.  I filed a lawsuit and my attorney and I accepted a modest settlement.  In retribution they are making  my recovery a living hell.  For example, as a retiree I am able to work for LA County on a part-time basis. I have applied three times and been turned down each time.  This last time was particularly cruel because I received an inquiry from Personnel  asking if I wished to return to work on a part-time basis.  Of course, I replied that I was in fact interested in working on a part-time basis.   Furthermore, I really needed the money as the money awarded from my lawsuit had run out.   I anxiously waited to complete the process and made many calls to Personnel.   Finally, after months of calling and emailing, the human resource assistant informed me that I was not selected to return to work.  The irony of it all was that she was unable to give me a reason why I was not selected.  I received this news on December 2, 2010 and I cried like a baby.  Needless to say, all the negative feelings resurfaced.  I felt sad and truly hurt that one agency has wrecked so much havoc in my life.  Early retirement, cut my salary in half.  I retired with the realization that I would have to return to work.  I truly felt that I would have no problems finding a job with my educational and professional background.  In reality, I am over qualified and still I am unemployed.  Additionally, I figured that I could work half time as a retiree  as well.  This last slap in the face was a rude wake up call.  The Department was still punishing me.  I was now feeling anxious, depressed, worried, hopeless, pitiful  all negatives.  I could only see the negatives, losing my house, already losing my mind.  It’s funny when you lose you sanity you lose a great deal of “so-called friends”.   So Christmas Eve, I found myself contemplating ending it all.  I made a video of myself.  I looked so sad and dejected.  Typing this post is causing me to feel sad and weepy.   I truly did not want to go on.  If it had not been for my two grandchildren, Nelson and Naomi, I could have just ended it all.  I felt shame that my daughter is carrying the financial burden for our family.  I worried about her health as I realized she was worrying about me.  I just felt so hopeless and alone.  Christmas Day, we opened our presents.  I confessed that I almost took all my pills to end it all.  My daughter is such a trooper, she looked at me and said, “We need you”.  Okay, tears are falling now!!!!! I am glad that she loves me through my madness.  I am glad that I am still here. I pray that no matter what happens the though of ending it all will never surface again.   I struggle with my illness .  The good news is after my relapse(from life), I made a pledge to stay clean.   The good news is 2011 is for another opportunity to try to get it right.  After all, I am only human.

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