Category: POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER


Yesterday I attended my first Pink concert. I feel in love with this young artist recently.  I was looking at one of the Entertainment Channels and came upon an interview of Pink.   I found her to be so real and her challenges mirror many of my own.  Mind you I am 62 years old, however, I just felt such a kinship with Pink.  So I went online and goggled her name and learned that she was starting a tour and would be coming to LA.  Well I bought tickets for my daughter and I to attend.  Well I ended up going alone because my daughter could not find a babysitter.  The truth of the matter we are two women that are battling to stay sane in the face of so much drama.  I felt pulled to attend this concert. I had to see Pink in person. Well my seat was in the nosebleed section which suited me fine because there were not many people and my seat was directly above the stage!!!! I had the surreal feeling as though it was just Pink and I, no crowds just her performing for me. Thanks to the big screen I missed none of the excitement.  Well do I start, it was a spiritual transformation.  Pink gives her all.  She is real.  Her music touched the core of what I had been feeling for way too long.  The song that brought tears to my eyes was the one that I copied below! F####ing Perfect!.  OMG! Pink was singing this song to me.  It might sound silly but I really don’t care. I have been praying to God, please help me break out of this despair.  I have been battling Depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for over five years.  I have been sinking into a deep dark hole. At times, I felt that I was truly losing my grip on life.  I need a break through!!!!!! Last night, Pink you delivered me when you sang this one song.  The entire concert was awesome.  Your bravery girl, flying over the crowd no doubt.  Your acrobatics, , the dancing, the energy I was mesmerized.  I walked away from this concert transformed.  Today is the first day of the rest of my silly life!  Those voices in my head were killing me.  You should have done this or why did you do that? Lawd have mercy.  Last night, you told me to change the voices in my head. I am  F###ing perfect!!!! I am so thankful that God has made me this unique person!!!! I have been inspired by Pink!!!! She has lived the life and shares her pain to help heal others from those demons that chase us.(All of us no matter how rich or poor). 

So I am a Pink Fan!!!! Next Concert I will have on my Pink Wig and Pink Tutu because I am celebrating this new me!!!!

Bless you Pink!!!!!

Fuckin’ Perfect”

Made a wrong turn once or twice Dug my way out, blood and fire Bad decisions, that’s alright Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood Miss ‘No way, it’s all good’ It didn’t slow me down. Mistaken, always second guessing Underestimated, look I’m still around
Pretty, pretty please, don’t you ever, ever feel Like you’re less than fucking perfect Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel Like you’re nothing, you’re fucking perfect to me
You’re so mean (so mean) when you talk (when you talk) About yourself. You were wrong. Change the voices (change the voices) in your head (in your head) Make them like you instead.
So complicated, Look how we all make it. Filled with so much hatred Such a tired game It’s enough, I’ve done all I could think of Chased down all my demons I’ve seen you do the same (Oh oh)
Pretty, pretty please, don’t you ever, ever feel Like you’re less than fucking perfect Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel Like you’re nothing, you’re fucking perfect to me
The whole world’s scared, so I swallow the fear The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer So cool in lying and we try, try, try but we try too hard And it’s a waste of my time. Done looking for the critics, cause they’re everywhere They don’t like my jeans, they don’t get my hair Exchange ourselves and we do it all the time Why do we do that, why do I do that (why do I do that)?
(Yeah! Oh!) I’m pretty, pretty, pretty
Pretty, pretty please, don’t you ever, ever feel Like you’re less than fucking perfect Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel Like you’re nothing, you’re fucking perfect to me (You’re perfect, you’re perfect) Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel Like you’re nothing, you’re fucking perfect to me.
Maya Angelou at the Discovery 2000 conference.

Image via Wikipedia

Originally, I was going to write that I wanted to lose 30 pounds and the reason was that since I promote diet and wellness, I should practice what I preach.  However, today, I went to see my tax accountant.  It was a depressing reminder of how little money I made this year.  Further, I have been actively pursing employment.  If you have followed my posts, you know that I suffer from PTSD.  I am sick and tired of being the victim.  Therefore, I hope to change  the way I feel about myself and work harder to improve my emotional  health.  Prior to my injury, I was a confident professional social worker.  I had been recently promoted to supervisor and I was making good money.  I had a great retirement plan, insurance benefits and finally seeing some light at the end of the tunnel.  I  purchased my first house,  a long-awaited dream and was  feeling great to finally be a homeowner!    However, in 2006, the pressure of working in a hostile work place finally took its toil on my physical and emotional health.   I applied for worker’s compensation  and was to be reassigned to a less stressful  job.   Of course, this did not occur and I took an early retirement, with the  plan of  seeking employment elsewhere.  For a short time, I worked for my church and believe it or not, due to the stress of that place, I found myself back medical leave.     Consequently, I suffered an emotional set back and found myself back on my therapist’s couch.  I quickly regrouped, at my therapist’s suggestion, applied to the California State  Department of Rehabilitation for retraining.   I qualified for state help due to my job related injury.  My rehabilitation plan  was approved for me to return to  college to get a Master’s Degree in Family Therapy.  In spite of my best efforts, I continue to suffer periods of self-pity and shame for suffering an emotional breakdown.  I truly thought, I was going to quickly recover and get back to my old confident self.   Consequently, this year’s goal is to work harder on putting the past behind me.  I continue to send  applications, go on job interviews,  attend college and self-improvement workshops,  and hope for the best.   Overall, I think I am making good progress, however I am my worst critic.  For example, yesterday, I was on an emotional high, I  interviewed for my dream position  and  it appeared that I was making  a good impression on my interviewers.  However, today, I received a follow-up email indicating that they would keep me in the loop however they were continuing their search.  It was an encouraging email, however I feel they were letting me down gently.   So, I feel emotionally drained and somewhat defeated.  I love Maya Angelou‘s Poem, Still I Rise , especially the verse, “and still I rise”.   Therefore, I must work harder to embrace the future, and to let go of past disappointments.   I downloaded the Bible app on my Blackberry and have started a daily Bible study.   Today’s lesson was so timely  and so encouraging that I have posted it here for all to read.  Whenever you feel that the world has treated you unfairly, remember, they too will have a judgment day!

The “”Knower

God is many different things. He’s a Father, a Creator, a Shepherd, a Husband, a Healer, and a Provider. And each of these names highlights a certain aspect of His nature and character. As a Father, His compassion is expressed. As a Creator, His creativity is expressed. And it goes on and on.

There’s another way in which He is known, and that’s as the Just Judge who presides over earth. As such, another angle of His character is seen. Although the injustices and wrongs of this world may seem to go unpunished, God is the keeper of justice, and He will be faithful to execute it and uphold His righteousness.

It doesn’t always seem like that, especially when we’re personally affected by someone else’s sin. Sometimes it appears that injustice will prevail. But in His own perfect timing, and according to His own perfect way, injustice will be brought into the light, tried, and judged. Nobody truly gets away with anything. One way or another, justice will be served. And this is one of the many ways God’s incomparable character is expressed.

How? We all have a “knower” inside us that responds and resonates when we see the right thing happen. It’s been placed there by God so we would have an internal witness that gives an “amen” to His standards for right and wrong (Romans 2:14-15). And when we see justice served, when God executes judgment, there’s a connection that happens inside us. It puts us on God’s wavelength and can even serve as a catalyst for a deep and intimate relationship with Him.

Lord, continue to reveal Yourself as a righteous and perfect Judge over all things, and deepen our understanding of your heart as you continue to do so.

What does this passage reveal to me about God? He is the judge over my life and is in control of my destiny.

What does this passage reveal to me about myself? I need to develop a stronger faith walk and realize God is in control.

Based on this, what changes do I need to make?  Seek a spirtual mentor,  continue to seek balance in my life, be still and wait patiently on the Lord!!!!

What is my prayer for today? 
Sent via BlackBerry by AT

 

Cover of "And Still I Rise"

Cover of And Still I Rise

Still I Rise

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
‘Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I’ll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don’t you take it awful hard
‘Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines
Diggin’ in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I’ve got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history’s shame
I rise
Up from a past that’s rooted in pain
I rise
I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

Maya Angelou

http://www.poemhunter.com/

 

Mary J. Blige performs at the Neighborhood Bal...

Image via Wikipedia

DRAMA.  It gives me the hives.  I am going to lead a drama free life.  I don’t need the extra baggage that comes along with other people’s drama.  My best friend calls it nonsense and I agree.  Some people thrive on drama. In my opinion, it is a totally waste of precious time.  My life reads like a “Lifetime Story”.   Therefore, I do not need extra drama to my already complex life.  I enjoy periods of solitude, no cell phone, no tv, and no internet.   The one positive of  being unemployed  is that I am able to  support my drama free lifestyle.  Therefore,  I did not miss it(drama) and plan to live without it!!!!! NO MORE DRAMA! THAT’S MY THEME SONG by my girl, Mary J. Blige!!!!!! I feel you, girl, cause I don’t want no more drama in my life!!!!!!!

Bucket of raw Abelmoschus esculentus (okra) pods

Image via Wikipedia

Today I cooked turkey soup in my crock pot. It has been years since I cooked anything in the crock pot. We had used it to store spices and other miscellaneous kitchen items. Christmas I did not cook a traditional dinner. However, I did cook a turkey. It turns out that I was the only person that seemed to be eating the turkey. After a few days, I was tired of turkey sandwiches. So I decided to clean out the crock pot and make soup. I approached this chore in stages. First off, I really do not like to cook. Second, I have been feeling like crap lately and did not feel like eating, like alone cooking. In spite of my issues, I decided today was the day to tackle the soup! So, I rinsed the veggies while the grandkids were getting ready for day care. The next step, cleaned out the crock pot and washed it with really hot water!!!!!Stop! Take grandson to school and run errands. By this time, I was feeling pretty tired. Took the turkey out and realized it was too large to fit into the crock pot!!!! So put the turkey back into the fridge to take a nap. Somehow, sleep deluded me, so went back into the kitchen to tackle the soup. I took the turkey out, cut it up, and put all ingredients into the crock pot!!!!!!YESSSS! A major accomplishment for me. I haven’t made soup in years. The last time I made soup was for the Cabbage Soup Diet!!!! Today I prepared a real soup, complete with veggies, and rice. My daughter came home from work and was pleasantly surprised, however she announced that the soup  was not quite ready and proceeded to fix herself a hamburger!!!! Okay! So here we go, I fix dinner and nobody wants my food!!! So I continued to allow my soup to cook. I added okra, peas and carrots. I really don’t like okra, however my mom used to cook with it when I was growing up. So this soup was beginning to take on a life of its own. A wonderful aroma began to waft throughout the house. It was time for a taste test. My soup was so good, the okra was tender, the broth was well seasoned and the turkey was now succulent!!!!! I thought while eating, I am truly enjoying my new-found life. The soup reminded me of gumbo in a way without the seafood. The okra reminded me of my mother and reconnected me with my past. I felt compelled to stop and reflect on how comforting it was to prepare this soup. It made me think of my somewhat tortured soul and the self-help books, chicken soup for the blah blah  soul. Don’t get me wrong, I love reading those books. Today, I just added my twist and it fits, Turkey Soup for my PTSD Soul. Cooking for the soul is a new experience for me. I cooked in the past out of necessity,  to feed my family. I cooked for holiday celebrations to keep up our family  traditions. This is the first time that I have cooked “soul food“. Food for my soul, to help me heal from the inside out. Well as I write this post, the aroma from the soup is so comforting. It is warming in the crock pot. All I can think about is how good it is going to taste in the morning!!!!! Sleep will not delude me tonight! Soup might just be what the doctor ordered! Yes, soup for my soul!!!!!

The Recent Tragedies.

This is so sad, it reminds me of a young mother that lost her life on Christmas day. A senseless act of violence.

Current Seal of the County of Los Angeles, Cal...
Image via Wikipedia

I have to forgive my former supervisor for making my life hell. she totally f up my life. She is the main reason I had to retire from Los Angeles County with 18 years of service. she is also the reason I have been blackball and unable to return as a part time  worker. Her cronies played a signficant role as well. When I transferred to a new job she had already informed them that the trouble maker was coming. Who let the Dogs out! You know that song, well her buddies had the dogs waiting for me. They tore me a new one. Okay her goes! I was so damaged that I went out on injury comp. I bet she  was laughing her  tail off. Who did Jurline think she was trying to tell us how to do our job. Well we will her. Ouch!

DEAR FORMER SUPERVISOR

I FORGIVE YOU FOR MAKING MY LIFE A LIVING HELL. I STILL DONT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU DID IT. IN A WAY YOU DID ME A FAVOR AS I AM FINALLY LIVING MY LIFE WITHOUT  THE PRESSURE AND STRESS OF BEING IN A HOSTILE WORK ENVIRONMENT. I HOPE YOU ARE ABLE TO LIVE WITH ALL THE BLOOD ON YOUR HANDS FOR ALL THE CHILDREN YOU ALLOWED TO BE MURDERED UNDER YOUR POOR SUPERVISION. I FORGIVE YOU FORMER SUPERVISOR. ARE YOU ABLE TO FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR DESTROYING MY LIFE AS I KNEW IT?

Brain structures involved in dealing with stre...

Image via Wikipedia

 

THE EYE IS ON THE SPARROW AND I AM WATCHING YOU

TODAY AS I WAS DISCUSSING THIS HORRIBLE SUBJECT OF BULLYING. I WAS SICKENED TO THINK OF HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE SUFFERING FROM BULLIES.

FOR THIS REASON, I AM TAKING A STAND!  ALSO I HAVE A QUESTION? DO YOU THINK BULLIES ATTEND CHURCH?  THE SHORT ANSWER IS YES!!!!!! I HAVE BEEN GOING TO AFRICAN AMERICAN CHURCHES ALL OF MY LIFE…I HAVE BEEN ATTENDING CHURCHES OF DIFFERENT FAITH MOST OF MY LIFE.  I HAVE ENCOUNTERED THOSE CHICKEN LIVERED BULLIES WHILE WORSHIPING THE LORD.  THE MOST RECENT INCIDENT THAT COMES TO MIND IN WHEN I WORKED FOR A LARGE CHURCH.  THINGS STARTED OUT HOLY AND QUICKLY CHANGE TO HELL.   LET’S GET TO THE BULLY.  FIRST OFF THE BULLY IS THE ONE THAT WANTS TO TAKE CHARGE OF EVERYTHING AND COMPLAINS BEHIND YOUR BACK WHEN YOU DONT GO ALONE WITH THE PLAN… WELL THIS BULLY TRIED HER BEST “PUT ME IN CHECK”, HUMILIATE ME,  AND BASICALLY MADE MY LIFE HELL.  I COMPLAINED YES I FELT THAT I HAD TO TELL THE POWERS THAT BE, IT ONLY MADE MATTERS WORSE.  I PREVIOUSLY SHARED WITH THEM THAT I SUFFER FROM POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER.  THEIR ANSWER WE ARE GOING  TO PRAY THAT YOU BE HEALED!!!!!! OKAY! I WENT TO MY THERAPIST AND SHE PLACED ME ON LEAVE.  WELL, WHILE I WAS OUT RECUPERATING, THEY FIRED ME.  YOU HEARD ME YES FIRED FROM THE CHURCH, NO CALLS, NO FLOWERS, NO GET WELL CARD.  I RECEIVED A CERTIFIED LETTER INDICATING I WAS FIRED AND SEND BACK THE KEYS AND THE GARAGE DOOR OPENER.  I CRIED LIKE A BABY AS MY THERAPIST READ THE LETTER.  I HAD ENOUGH SENSE NOT TO READ IT ALONE, WHENEVER YOU RECEIVE A CERTIFIED LETTER FROM THE JOB AND YOU AINT EXPECTING A CHECK, IT IS NEVER GOOD NEWS.  MY THERAPIST LOOKED UP AFTER READING THE LETTER AND SAID, YOU NEED TO FIND ANOTHER CHURCH.  I AM STILL LOOKING AS I AM STILL RECOVERING FROM BEING FIRED FROM MY CHURCH. YES,  BULLIES ARE EVERYWHERE.  YOU PROBABLY THINK I AM BEING EXTREME.  I WILL SHARE JUST A FEW PERSONAL EXAMPLES.  MY DAUGHTER AND I WENT ON A CHURCH CRUISE, THE BACKSTABBERS TALKED ABOUT MY DAUGHTER AND MADE HER FEEL SO COMFORTABLE THAT SHE REFUSED TO INTERACT WITH THEM.  THE PROBLEM SHE LOOKS YOUNGER THAN HER STATED AGE AND THEY WERE JEALOUS THAT SHE WAS ABLE TO WEAR HER TWO PIECE SWIMSUIT…DUH!!!!!   THE LOOKS AND THE SNIDE REMARKS WERE UPSETTING  AND MY DAUGHTER IN HER EARLY TWENTIES AT THE TIME HAD JUST JOINED THE CHURCH.  BY THE END OF THE CRUISE SHE HAD ALMOST RENOUNCED RELIGION AND WENT BACK TO HER OLD CHURCH.   THESE ARE GROWN WOMEN. I HAVE SEEN THEM SAVE SEATS AT CHURCH, AT CONFERENCES, AT HOLIDAY PARTIES ETC.  I HAVE APPROACHED THEIR TABLE ONLY TO BE TOLD THAT THESE SEATS ARE SAVED. (YOU MEAN GOD IS SAVING CHAIRS INSTEAD OF SOULS).   DO NOT MENTION THE CHURCH PARKING LOT WHERE I ALMOST SAW A NICE MATURE LADY GET A BEAT DOWN BECAUSE SHE ACCIDENTLY  BUMPED ANOTHER LADIES CAR.  THIS WAS BEFORE CHURCH MIND YOU.  TRY GETTING OUT OF THE PARKING LOT AFTER CHURCH AND IF YOU AINT REALLY SAVED YOU WILL LOSE YOUR RELIGION.   THEIR IS NO DECORUM WHEN IT COMES TO LEAVING THE PARKING LOT, YOU WILL GET SOME DIRTY STARES IF YOU DONT MOVE FAST ENOUGH, YOU BETTER NOT TRY TO CUT IN FRONT OF SOMEONE, ALL THAT PRAISE AND WORSHIP AND THE GOOD PREACHING EVAPORATES ON THE PARKING LOT.  BULLIES SHOULD BE ASHAMED THE STRESS THAT THEY CAUSE, THE EMOTIONAL ABUSE.  THERE OUTTA BE A LAW.  SOME STATES ARE TAKING THIS ISSUE VERY SERIOUSLY.  SOME CHURCHES EVEN HAVE A DRESS CODE, (UNSPOKEN THAT IS) THE PULPIT SAID COMES AS YOU ARE, THE CONGREGATION SAID YOU BETTER NOT SIT HERE LOOKING LIKE THAT, THESE SEAT ARE RESERVED.   OF COURSE, NOBODY WILL TALK ABOUT THIS SUBJECT.   THE CHURCH SHOULD BE THE ONE PLACE THAT IS SAFE, NON JUDGEMENTAL, FORGIVING, LOVING, COMPASSIONATE. OKAY, THINK ABOUT YOUR OWN CHURCH EXPERIENCE.  ARE THERE CLIQUES? THE PREACHER‘S CIRCLE? THE FUNDRAISERS? THE CELEBRITIES? THE CHOIR? THE USHER BOARD? THE MOTHER BOARD? THE DEACON BOARD?  DONT GET ME WRONG THIS IS MY OPINION AND I HAVE ATTENDED ENOUGH CHURCHES TO FORM MY IDEAS ON THE SUBJECT OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE IN THE CHURCH. HAVE WE ALL FORGOTTEN ABOUT JIM JONES? OR THE OTHER CULT THAT TOOK OFF AND WENT TO MARS(HEAVENGATE ACTUALLY COMMITTED SUICIDE ).  OKAY, I STILL ATTEND CHURCH ON OCCASION. I GO TO FELLOWSHIP. I REALLY DONT CARE ABOUT THE DIRTY LOOKS, OR THE CLIQUES, OR THE SPECIAL ANOINTED ONES. I GO FOR ME AND MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD! I AM STANDING UP AGAINST BULLIES !  I VOTE FOR ALL STATES TO ENDORSE ANTI BULLYING LEGISLATION.