Tag Archive: Mental Health

Current Seal of the County of Los Angeles, Cal...

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I hate to admit that I have thought of giving up on life many times.  It seems like a direct dichotomy with my earlier posts which I talk of my faith in God and why I am still alive.  I am not ashamed of my human weakness, after all Jesus was human and according to scripture he did not want to die.  Therefore, unlike many Christians, I am truthful in regards to my human weakness.   Christmas Eve, 2010, I felt like taking all of my xanax and going to asleep.   I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  It is a complex emotional disorder.   The difficulty is in my case, I seem high functioning, in reality I don’t feel that I function well at all.   My problems started when I accepted an early retirement to avoid further discrimination.  The years of discrimination and humiliation at the hands of my former employers has taken a tremendous toil of my psyche, emotional, and mental health.   Overall, with the help of my therapist, family support, and my faith I have being making good progress.   Those of us that suffer from this disease really are unable to fully recover.  We relive the trauma over and over again. We are susceptible to flashback and triggers associated with the original trauma  which in my case causes me to experience feelings of despair, depression, and hopelessness.  My former supervisors seem determined to punish me for seeking compensation for my injury.  I filed a lawsuit and my attorney and I accepted a modest settlement.  In retribution they are making  my recovery a living hell.  For example, as a retiree I am able to work for LA County on a part-time basis. I have applied three times and been turned down each time.  This last time was particularly cruel because I received an inquiry from Personnel  asking if I wished to return to work on a part-time basis.  Of course, I replied that I was in fact interested in working on a part-time basis.   Furthermore, I really needed the money as the money awarded from my lawsuit had run out.   I anxiously waited to complete the process and made many calls to Personnel.   Finally, after months of calling and emailing, the human resource assistant informed me that I was not selected to return to work.  The irony of it all was that she was unable to give me a reason why I was not selected.  I received this news on December 2, 2010 and I cried like a baby.  Needless to say, all the negative feelings resurfaced.  I felt sad and truly hurt that one agency has wrecked so much havoc in my life.  Early retirement, cut my salary in half.  I retired with the realization that I would have to return to work.  I truly felt that I would have no problems finding a job with my educational and professional background.  In reality, I am over qualified and still I am unemployed.  Additionally, I figured that I could work half time as a retiree  as well.  This last slap in the face was a rude wake up call.  The Department was still punishing me.  I was now feeling anxious, depressed, worried, hopeless, pitiful  all negatives.  I could only see the negatives, losing my house, already losing my mind.  It’s funny when you lose you sanity you lose a great deal of “so-called friends”.   So Christmas Eve, I found myself contemplating ending it all.  I made a video of myself.  I looked so sad and dejected.  Typing this post is causing me to feel sad and weepy.   I truly did not want to go on.  If it had not been for my two grandchildren, Nelson and Naomi, I could have just ended it all.  I felt shame that my daughter is carrying the financial burden for our family.  I worried about her health as I realized she was worrying about me.  I just felt so hopeless and alone.  Christmas Day, we opened our presents.  I confessed that I almost took all my pills to end it all.  My daughter is such a trooper, she looked at me and said, “We need you”.  Okay, tears are falling now!!!!! I am glad that she loves me through my madness.  I am glad that I am still here. I pray that no matter what happens the though of ending it all will never surface again.   I struggle with my illness .  The good news is after my relapse(from life), I made a pledge to stay clean.   The good news is 2011 is for another opportunity to try to get it right.  After all, I am only human.

Drifting snows

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This is a hard one because I am still struggling with letting him go. In 1996 I met the love of my life. It was a long distance relationship. Love at first sight for me. We had so many ups and downs, more downs then up. When I met him I was 46, i am now 59 soon to be sixty. I promised him that I did not want to be sixty years old and still flying to see him. In 2006, I made the difficult decison to break off the relationship. There was no committment and the relationship along with my other issues was making me sick! Since that time, we have reconnected, still more or less a glorified booty call. I did not want to let him go, however we are just drifting. I was supposed to spend a week with him during my break from school. I just could not do it. I want him to come and rescue me. I want him to really want me. I am getting stronger day by day. I guess this time, we are just going to drift into another lifetime. He is a great guy and needs a lady that live in his area. I just got too much baggage. So I am drifting, drifting, and drifting away. Damn, life is a mutha!!!!

Age-standardised disability-adjusted life year...

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Two words, my former supervisor! She made my life hell and treated me like shit! The main reason I won my injury compensation lawsuit. You know how hard it is to win for emotional stress when you are a social worker? Go figure. We settled out of court. A small pittance for what was left after she got finished with me. I was a Supervising Children’s Social worker for a large agency, okay Los Angeles Department of Children Services. The irony, she interviewed me for the job. Her exact words, “I prayed for you”. She claims that she was praying for a supervisor that would be supportive of her. I was very supportive in the beginning. She promoted me after all. I felt a great deal of loyalty. There were warnings along the way. I heard she was a bitch. I was warned not to transfer from Adoptions(at the time a wonderful job) to a Regional office( I had no idea was a hell hole). It was a promotion and I was thinking of my retirement. All good things must come to an end. Our cushy relationship went from “sugar to shit” as my mother used to say. I was her little flunky in the beginning. She gave me the plumb assignments, make me acting in her absence(I had only been a supervisor for less than a month) and made me feel like a superstar! Well, that didn’t last long, she threw me under the bus, I saw the real person and the real me came out! The battle was on and of course I lost! She was so mean that when I transferred to another office, I gave her a going away gift. I returned to clean my desk, the gift was waiting with a note on it “return to sender”. I am not going to relive all the crap she did to me. I will sum it up with four words, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder! Thanks you know who!

Building a Legacy of Peace’, a Service marking...

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I pray that I will never have to bury one of my kids or grandkids. I know it sounds morbid. I look at some many shows on TV where children are missing later found to be dead or even worse murdered. I recently met some ladies that are part of a support group,”families of murdered children”. I so admire and respect them for being able to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives and continue  in spite of their overwhelming grief. Just yesterday, in South Los Angeles, a young mother was gunned down for no reason, shot nine times while her three-year old was still in the car sit and witnessed the entire thing. The prep got out of his car, walked up to this young lady and began to shoot her. It was so senseless. I can’t imagine the family’s grief. It is unnatural for a parent to die before their child. The mother I met on Thursday indicated her son was eighteen years old and was simply walking home from visiting his girlfriend. He was her youngest son. She shared how the pain never goes away. In the beginning, she stated she lost so much weight because she could not eat. Then she entered a cycle when she could not stop eating. I did not want to go into my therapist role and ask her whether or not she was in therapy. I suggested that we start a support group to encourage one another, me using my social work skills to facilitate the group. The thought of having to bury my child or grandchild is one thing Ihope I  never have to do!!!!!! The reality is that it could happen to anyone’s family, mine, or yours, there are predators that are willing to take a life and never give it a second thought! Lord, I pray for all the families that have lost a loved one to violent crime!!!

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